Apr. 02, 2004,19:24

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Nitrogen
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It took me a while to figure this out. And maybe it means something to you, maybe it means nothing. But this is what I see. This is what is in my head. I used to feel like I knew so much, and that cliche saying the more you know the less you know, came back to slap me in the face. Because now, I know that I know nothing. I used to think that people on the other side were so sure of themselves, so confident, and they were not me, on the inside. But, according to recent revelation, I see that I am wrong. What it all comes down to is this. We are all scared of eachother. We live in constant fear of one another. Whether or not we admit it, this is the truth. We are all afraid of what eachother thinks, and we let this fear shape our entire lives, our being, our regimen, our existence. We think we are in control, but the truth is, we aren't. Fear controls us. We can live in denial, we can seemingly overcome the fear, but we never really do. Its always there. Its not just me. Its everyone. Its so normal. Its so everyday. Its accepted. It blends in like Nitrogen in the atmosphere. It blends in and we inhale it, and we suck it in, and we never really fully acknowledge that its there, and we never think about it, because out of sight is out of mind. And some of us, are drowning in it. We are afraid. And we are too afraid to ask for help. We are too afraid to even live. Too afraid to love, like we should. Too afraid to accept what we really are. That we are really going to die. That beauty fades. That ideals never work. That we can never be sad. Too afraid to step out of the doors. There is no such thing as someone who is afraid of nothing. I used to think it was just me. It was just me being afraid. And I didn't know how to say that. And now, that we are getting this all out. I mean, that I am getting this all out. What I really fear, is to drag someone else into this. To be close to someone. To let them feel what I feel. To let them know what I know. This is my conflict. And I want so desperately to mean something to someone. To be what they need, at the right time. To love them, and always be there. And maybe that is just an ideal, I've created for myself so I can find some meaning in all of this. I fear being so close to someone, and finding myself in this position of obligate love, and closing down, and freezing, and getting cold, and the harm that does. Maybe I am just afraid. But maybe that is what really happened, last time. Its hard to understand who I was, 3 years ago. Its hard to know what I was thinking, because I didn't even know who I was. But I know that cold feeling. And I don't ever want to do that to anyone again. I can't help but think of it. Always there. Just like the Nitrogen. Go ahead and breathe it. All you really need is the Oxygen, your lungs are not capable of fixing Nitrogen. But its there. Its always there. Its more than seventy percent of the atmosphere, by composition, and it should stand out to us and we never give it any recognition. Like I said, this may not mean anything to you. But it means a lot to me, right now.