THISISJOHN

There is a sadness in me, living. And its not a specific sadness, rather, one that just continues; made up of all of the sad things in my life, past - present - future, collectively. Its vague and hopeless to figure out, but its persistent and its always there. When I feel down, its there. When I feel my best, its there. When I am in love, its there. When I feel completely free, its there. Its not a depressing kind of sadness, I don't feel like crying all of the time. I really don't know how to explain it. Just that its always there and its not big nor small. Its an all inclusive amorphous almostemotion. (and every word in that previous sentence started with a vowel). Those who are closest to me, I ask them, "Do you always feel sad - not a really intense sadness, but rather, a sadness that's always there even when you are happy", and they reply yes. I ask, and I already know the answer because I can see it in their eyes and in their face and in their words and I can see it when they exhale, because it lives with them and it keeps them sober, just like it does with me. And maybe its just cynicism in my own mind, because I can be rather cynical, but I ask anyways, just for comfirmation. Confirmation isn't just in the spoken word, either. I just want to hear them be sad. Its that common bond, that really attracts me to people. Kindred spirits.